It’s 2:30am. I have to be up in 3 hours to start a relay race that will take our team 30 hours to complete. I’ll be lucky if I get any sleep tomorrow night. This is why I’ve been stressing about getting sleep tonight and why I’ve been failing.
People who know me on a surface level are probably surprised when they find out I have anxiety. Yes everyone gets anxious, but I’m talking about the kind of anxiety that paralyzed you. The kind that keeps you awake because your brain won’t turn off.
It isn’t always like this. I can have months of consistent sleep and only minor worries. Every so often though, there are several weeks of uneasiness. I call this an anxiety flare up. It’s when I worry about everything, rational and irrational. I worry something bad is going to happen to me or someone I love. I worry that I’m failing at work and at home. I worry that I’m not getting enough sleep and that is going to impact my running, my health and my sanity.
I worry that our fucking president is going to take my rights away. I have anxiety every time I hear his voice or even read his name.
I’m an anxious person. I’ve always worried. Sometimes more intensely than others. This is one of those times.
Tomorrow (well…in four hours) I’m getting in a van with 6 lovely people to run one of the most beautiful stretches of land in the country. I want to live in the moment to enjoy it. I know it’s not the end of the world that I won’t sleep for two days. I’ll nap in the van. I got less sleep when I had a newborn and survived. I will survive this too.
Running is a time for me to feel carefree. I just want to feel that way when I’m not running too.